People living together in the same room do not look at each other’s face, the expert told how small fights become a sore spot

It is said that there must have been some compulsions, no one becomes unfaithful without any reason. But what is the compulsion that people are not able to talk to each other and are not able to remove the anger from their hearts. This anger later on becomes the beginning of a big fight. What happens that people living together in a 10X12 size room do not even like to see each other. People sleeping together on the same bed want to be separated from each other’s shadow. Why do they always try to humiliate each other? When things get out of control, many times the matter reaches the court and divorce. Let us see some real examples in which small fights gradually became a sore, about which Lokesh K. Bharti is giving information after talking to the best experts of the country.

Case-1: When the husband did not keep the secret a secret

Rajiv and Rashmi (both names changed) got married about a year ago. Both had gone to their common friend Sameer’s party. Although consuming alcohol is harmful for health, sometimes it becomes harmful for relationships too. Sameer in drunken state said something which Rajiv had once shared with Sameer before his/her marriage with Rashmi. Rashmi started shouting at Rajiv in front of everyone regarding this matter. Both were returning home in the same car while arguing. The argument increased so much that Rajiv even said in anger that he/she will not go home.

When they reached home fighting, Rajiv’s parents wanted to know the reason for the fight. Rashmi scolded them too. She even said that she doesn’t know which family they got married into. After hearing this, Rajiv’s father became silent and Rajiv’s mother’s eyes filled with tears. Rajiv felt very bad seeing this. he/she immediately told Rashmi that if you have so much problem then why don’t you separate? I cannot live with such a woman. On hearing this, Rashmi became very angry, which was natural. She left for her home at that very moment. She also threatened that she will not return. An application for divorce has been filed from both sides. The court has given both of them 6 months’ time.

where did the mistake happen

Rashmi should not have behaved like this in front of everyone at the party. Then she continued this on the way as well. Rajiv should have also tried to reduce Rashmi’s anger. On reaching home, it was completely wrong for Rashmi to say bad things about Rajiv’s parents and call the entire family useless. Rashmi should also think that people often share some of their things with friends. Rashmi also tells some bad things about her husband, in-laws to her parents and friends. Rajiv’s anger added fuel to the fire.

Case-2: There was no consensus on when to have a child

Sanjay and Simple (both names changed) had a love marriage. Within a few months of knowing each other, they had realized that they were made for each other. However, Simple’s parents did not like this relationship much. Actually, Sanjay’s post and salary were less than Simple’s. But they agreed to Simple’s insistence. Everything went well for 1 year after marriage. Meanwhile, Sanjay’s family started asking why they did not have a child.

A situation of dispute started arising regarding this. Sanjay also wanted to have a child soon. Sanjay said that I have waited for 1 year. How long should I wait now? Simple said what does 1 year mean? I don’t want a child for the next 5 years. This topic of debate was increasing day by day. One day Simple also said that she has compromised by marrying a person who had a lower salary than her. This thing hurt Sanjay a lot.

After this incident, Sanjay started getting late in reaching home from office. When Simple asked the reason, he/she started making excuses of some important work in office. Meanwhile, Simple tried to confirm by calling the office but Sanjay was absent from office. Actually, Sanjay had started visiting his/her friend’s place to lighten the burden of his/her heart. Simple started getting convinced in her mind that Sanjay might be having an affair with someone. To overcome this tension, Simple came to her maternal home in the same city and started going to office there. Then the conversations started decreasing. Now efforts are being made to bring the relationship back on track.

where did the mistake happen

There was a discussion on when to have a child before marriage, but it was not done openly. The purpose of the debate should be to find a solution and not to decide victory or defeat. One may win by demeaning the other, but such people often lose the relationship.

Case-3: The responsibility of serving the mother was put on the wife

Akram and Zarina (names changed) got married with great pomp and show. Both were educated. They had good careers. Both worked in the same office of the same company. Akram’s mother was ill and could not get up from bed. Akram had told Zarina about this before marriage. Zarina did not have much problem with this. Before marriage, the mother used to live with Akram’s brother. There used to be disputes between Akram’s brother and sister-in-law regarding this.

Akram’s brother did not take care of his/her mother at all. he/she was also waiting to put the responsibility of his/her mother on him/her as soon as Akram got married and this is what happened. Mother came to live with Akram and Zarina. But problems started here too. Akram felt that since Zarina was his/her wife, he/she should take full care of his/her mother along with his/her job. he/she did not want to take any responsibility on himself.

Loving days passed over this matter. The news of their tension reached a third person who knew them. he/she was a little mature and intelligent. Therefore, they told their story openly. Like a counselor, he/she listened to both of them carefully one by one and understood the entire matter. Then he/she told them that if both of you earn, then hire a caretaker. There should not be any issue of money. Both of you should take care of her together. he/she told Akram that it is not right for you to say that Zarina is your wife and hence her responsibility is more. She also earns. Such burden should not be added.

where did the mistake happen

Nowadays people avoid serving their parents, here it was about the mother-in-law. Zarina would also be tired after coming from office. She also needed some moments of peace. Secondly, Akram was trying to avoid taking care of his/her mother, which was not right.

Case-4: The attitude that everything is the other person’s fault

This problem does not occur only between husband and wife. This problem is often successful in puncturing the relationship of any two people. Ego acts as a pin in puncturing. Actually, the word Go is already attached to Ego. Therefore, tell it to go immediately. Especially when it is about someone close to you, then keeping it only causes harm. More than half of the fights between husband and wife are resolved by saying sorry, i.e. saying go to your ego.

But who will say these damn words! As soon as one tries to say sorry, he/she feels as if his/her image will also get tarnished like Bhallaladeva of the movie ‘Bahubali’. his/her respect will be ruined. The other person will laugh at him/her a lot. So just like I missed the train in Lucknow due to ‘first you, first you’, here also the harmony of relationships gradually decreases that I will not say sorry first, even though I understand that the mistake is mine, but I will not accept it. If I accept it once, then I will probably have to accept it every time. Then what will happen to my self-respect?

Story of Raman and Reena

Raman and Reena (both names changed) have been married for more than 20 years. They also have two children. Both are more than 18 years old. But their fight has not ended till date and has been going on for 20 years. It is possible that it will continue for the next 20 years. The fight is about you are wrong, I am right. Will you say sorry or will you say sorry? If you did not do this, then why did you do this? How dare you say this. The result of the 20-year-old fight was that a feeling of insecurity took root in the hearts of both their children. Their relations with their other relatives were not good. They became rude. They forgot to respect elders. They did not even respect their parents. Raman and Reena used to fight a lot about this too.

where did the mistake happen

The ego of these two was more important than their children, their future, the atmosphere of the house. If these people had worked on the principle that whoever says ‘sorry’ first will be the greatest, then perhaps the situation would have been different. Therefore, one should not hesitate in saying sorry. However, to maintain relationships, one has to give in a little.

Case-5: Fight broke out over looking at someone else’s mobile

Rishabh was troubled by the fact that his/her wife Simran (both names changed) was always checking his/her mobile. Simran said that there should be nothing to hide between husband and wife. This makes me suspect that Rishabh is having an affair. Simran said that I have also told Rishabh the password of my mobile. he/she should also tell his/her password, while Rishabh considers this a case of violation of privacy. Although there were other reasons for the dispute between these two, but this was the biggest reason. When the counselor talked to both of them separately, some such things came to the fore. The counselor asked both of them that did you not talk about the matter of privacy before marriage? To this, both of them answered no.

The reality is that what seems like a small thing before marriage, becomes a big thing after marriage. Simran’s doubt was also due to her past. Before marriage, Simran’s engagement had broken once. That too because her would-be husband had asked Simran’s friend for a relationship. That is why Simran was finding it difficult to trust Rishabh completely. However, due to the dispute with Simran, Rishabh’s closeness with one of his/her colleagues was getting deeper. That is why he/she was not sharing the mobile password with Simran. The counselor said that there should be no such thing as privacy between husband and wife. If everyone has to keep their own things then why did they get married. Still, privacy is a personal subject and it should be decided by mutual consent.

where did the mistake happen

They did not discuss privacy before marriage. Simran’s past was telling her to be cautious. On the other hand, instead of resolving the issue, Rishabh tried to get into another relationship which was absolutely wrong. Well, with the help of a counselor things got better.

Expert Panel
Dr. Sameer ParikhSenior Psychiatrist
Dr. Rajesh SagarProfessor of Psychiatry, AIIMS
Dr. Rukhshida SyedaSenior Psychiatrist
geetanjali sharmaMarriage Relationship Counselor
preeti srivastavaSenior Clinical Psychologist