Don’t let the right thing said at the wrong time put you in trouble, know what to say and what not to say when someone passes away or gets sick.

There is a couplet by the famous poet Wasim Barelvi that what is said where and how…if it is polite, then everything is heard. In fact, sometimes even the right thing said at the wrong time puts a person in trouble. Because every person’s feelings are different. Suppose a person is very sad because he/she has suffered a huge loss or someone close to him/her is suffering from a major illness or has passed away from this world. In such a situation, words should be chosen very carefully to express condolences.

It is absolutely true that your suffering will not end by saying anything, but a few good and kind words from your loved ones can definitely give you the courage to bear the sorrow. But if words, instead of healing the pain, irritate the pain, the pain increases even more. Many times people do not understand what to say and what not to say on such occasions. Lokesh K is giving information about this after talking to the best experts of the country. Bharti

when someone close has passed away

This is a huge sorrow, it can be felt only by those who have lost someone close to them. Many times people try to normalize the atmosphere by calling it a normal incident. Their intention is to settle things, but this situation is not at all normal for a person who has lost someone very close to them. he/she can be father, husband, wife, son, daughter or even best friend. In such a situation the choice of words should be absolutely correct. Also, it is important to keep some special things in mind.

What is not right to say?

• Some people say that how long will you run after the one who is gone, come out of grief, you should remain strong, stop crying, they have now found peace. But understand that everyone’s wounds heal slowly. It is exactly the same way that if there is a wound on someone’s body, it heals in 3 days for some and it may take 8 days for others. Yes, the wound definitely heals.
• If someone leaves this world due to some mistake, then it should not be said that I told him/her not to do such and such, he/she did not agree, that is why this happened. This creates anger in the minds of their close relatives.
• If possible, one should avoid discussing that tragic incident. Still, if a discussion happens, instead of cursing that person, just discuss the incident.

What is right to say or do?

• If someone is having trouble in making a bank or insurance claim, then one should be present with them and help them.
• It should be said that while you’re having a tough time, I’m trying to understand your pain. I am available for you 24X7 and 365 days.
• If the person in front of you is showing courage to overcome the grief of someone’s death, then you should support him/her.
• Such things can be said that I will always remember his/her smiling face and dedication. The moments spent with him/her will always remain in my heart.
• If someone is losing courage then one should try to motivate him/her, but to a limit. It should not be said that everything will be as before.
• If someone leaves due to some mistake, then it can be a matter of learning from those mistakes. That too when things become a little normal. It can be said that even though he/she/she has gone, he/she/she has left with a lesson that the less such mistakes are made, the better.
• Just verbal help doesn’t mean much. In fact, help should be given to fulfill what is lacking.
• If you are not able to understand what to say then it is better to remain silent, but in times of sorrow there is no need to smile.

when a loved one gets a major illness

This situation is also very complex. After being affected by any major disease, both the patient and his/her family are surrounded by mental, physical, financial and even social problems. Therefore, whether close to the patient or relatives or friends, they want to meet the patient and show their love and condolences. Such people should choose their words correctly.

What is not right to say?

• One should never completely dismiss the feelings of a sad person. It should not be said that this dangerous disease has happened not only to you but to other people too. Here it has to be understood that even if millions of people suffer from some dangerous or fatal disease, it does not reduce the suffering of that person. If he/she wants to cry, he/she should be allowed to cry. Always trying to silence is also not right. With the shedding of tears the impulse of emotions also gets washed away to some extent.
• For example, if someone plays football or cricket and wants to make a career in the same field. But if he/she loses his/her leg in an accident and someone tells him/her that it is okay, it happens. This directly hurt him/her whether he/she wanted to or not.

What is right to say or do?

• It is better to remain silent or discuss its challenges rather than saying something wrong. For example, if we talk about the example of an accident, you say no problem, get well first, there can be other options. A similar story has also been shown in a film ‘Chandu Champion’. When a person loses both his/her legs, he/she brings glory to his/her family and country by winning a medal in the Paralympic Games.
• You should say that this is a very challenging time for you and your family. Whatever help can be given to fight this time, we will definitely do so. If you wish, you can give information about good doctors, Ayurveda experts etc. You can also help with money in treatment.

expert panel

• Dr. Satyakant Trivedi, Senior Psychiatrist
• Gitanjali Sharma, Marriage, Relationship Counselor
• Ragini Singh, psychotherapist counselor
• pooja priyamvada, Mental Health First, Ad Provider
• Ankit Gupta, ‘Asir’ author and mental health advocacy